Etiquette Story

Jul 11

Etiquette Story

Posted In: Spirit of the Game By: admin 0 Comments

Cell phone – check. Sharpie – check. Megaphone – check. Let’s go watch some golf.

Etiquette has always been a big part of our culture. We pride ourselves on being polite and acting proper in certain situations. Proper etiquette always gets noticed and more importantly improper behavior really gets noticed. For instance, when out to dinner guys should always allow the woman to sit first and stand when she gets up to powder her nose. Try it the next time out and your behavior will get rave reviews. Just like in the real world, golf is predicated on proper etiquette and conduct around the game. Always avoid another player’s line on the green. The closest player to the hole should tend to the pin. The best score on the previous hole is the one to tee off first. The list is endless and most golfers make a conscience effort to follow the proper etiquette when on the course. I think that’s why we love this grand old game so much. Proper golf etiquette helps to distinguish those that respect the game and those who just like to hang around it. So how come when you’re attending a golf tournament there are those three guys who always seem to throw proper etiquette out the window?

You know the three guys I’m talking about – Cell Phone Guy, Autograph Guy, and “ You Da Man” Guy. Go to any tournament and as sure as a Tiger Woods two footer, they’ll be there. What’s worse is they probably play a lot of golf and follow most of the proper golf etiquette back on their home course. But when it comes to watching other people play, they seem to lose it to the right.

Cell Phone Guy comes in two varieties and is an interesting blend of bumbling idiot and the deal maker. The first guy, when his cell phone goes off in the middle of Ernie’s backswing, acts sheepishly and then cowardly reminds us all, that he simply forgot it was on. He fumbles to make it stop ringing while the rest of us shake our heads. The second guy is making the deal of the century. His conversation about getting a 10% discount or the deal is off, is of the utmost importance and the world spinning off its axis is at stake if he doesn’t complete this deal. Are you kidding me? It’s a golf tournament, leave your cell phone in the car or don’t come inside the gates. Don’t sneak it in promising yourself you’ll put the ringer on silent. Phones and golf don’t mix.

Autograph Guy is another strange birdie. He has no idea of what a nuisance he is. The players are walking from one hole to another when AG approaches and sticks a sharpie in their face. AG has no concept that these guys are working? Heck, why not run out onto the infield and ask Jeter for his autograph in between outs or ask Kobe for his right after he stuffs a three. AG – relax! Aren’t you a little too old to be seeking autographs anyway? Don’t tell me you still have your Yankee comforter and matching sheets on your bed? C’mon man, think. Use your head for something other than holding up that Ping lid of yours. Autographs are for kids and there are designated places for them to ask.

The last guy is the one we all love to hate. He has two phrases depending on how close the player is to the hole: “It’s in the Hole!” and “You Da Man!” Lets take the first one, what do you think the percentages are of the ball ever going in when one of these belly launchers yells his battle cry, “It’s In The Hole!” less than one-half percent, maybe? What happens if it does go in? Does he get to say he called the shot? Hey porky, give it a rest. If it goes in we’ll see it, after all where standing right next to you.

The other type has figured out that no golfer will ever be complete with out his approval. That’s why he yells at the top of his lungs until his face turns the color of one of those pink lady Titleists – “You Da Man!” What does that mean anyway? You’re the man your parents wanted you to be? You’re the man for the job? You’re the man who robbed the old ladies purse? What… I don’t get it. If the player shanks it into the water does he yell – “You Ain’t Da Man?” Why you feel it necessary to stamp every shot with your personal seal of approval is beyond us. Why don’t you be, Da Man and Shut Up!

Finally, why do these guys also get some sort of kick out of trying to time their hollered rant just as the ball leaves the club? It’s as if they’re being shot out of a cannon at just that moment. Are they trying to get heard by the TV mike? Is this perhaps they’re 15 seconds of fame? I guess it’s funny until some elder patron gets startled and goes into cardiac arrest because of your ill advised battle cry. Hey idiot, do us all a favor and give it a rest.

So the next time you go out to watch your favorite players be on the look out for these numb skulls. They’re armed and they’re dangerous(ly) dumb.

Hey you, yea you, Mickelson can you keep it down please. Can’t you see I’m on my cell phone? Geeez! Forget asking you for your autograph dude, I guess you ain’t Da Man after all…